Friendship in Adult Life: Why Is It So Complicated?

Published on October 13, 2025

The other day, I was watching a TiboPOV video about comparisons between the United States and France. He mentioned an argument often heard about American social life: it would be difficult to make real friends there. Americans would be friendly at first, but superficial in the end, with purely transactional relationships.

What struck me was that I heard exactly the same criticism from French expats in the United States, but also... from Americans living in France or Europe! Each reproaches the other for what they themselves suffer from.

This symmetry in reproaches suggests that the problem doesn't lie in cultural differences between countries, but in a variable we neglect: the age at which we attempt to create these social bonds. TiboPOV himself unconsciously illustrates this reality by clearly distinguishing his high school friendships from those he was able to build as a young adult: two fundamentally different experiences.

The Golden Age of Friendship: A Convergence of Favorable Factors

Nowadays, most great friendships are indeed built during our youth. Our most lasting friendships generally date from high school, university, or even earlier. This reality is not the result of chance, but the result of a convergence of optimal structural factors.

During this period, the necessary conditions for forming deep friendships were met: demographic homogeneity (age, social background, cultural references), constant geographical proximity, and above all, intensive daily exposure. Five hours minimum per day, without exception, for years.

This repeated exposure, combined with abundant free time and common concerns, created an environment conducive to creating lasting bonds. At twenty, we shared the same aspirations, the same references, the same constraints.

But above all, we tended to like the same things. This convergence of tastes wasn't accidental: we were exposed to the same cultural influences, we discovered the same movies, the same music at the same time. Discussions about the latest trendy series or the musical group of the moment instantly created connection points. This natural synchronization of interests greatly facilitated the creation of bonds.

The Structural Transformation of Adulthood

Entry into adult life fundamentally reshuffles the deck. Individual trajectories diverge rapidly: income disparities, schedules, interests, family responsibilities, places of residence. Between a 25-year-old individual and another 35-year-old, ten years of difference can represent distinct social universes.

This divergence of interests becomes particularly marked. Where we all liked the same things at twenty, we develop increasingly specialized and personal passions: some become passionate about gourmet cuisine, others about rock climbing, still others about contemporary literature or photography. This specialization, individually enriching, mechanically reduces the number of people with whom we share deep affinities.

Geographic constraint becomes determining. Forty minutes of travel to see a friend transforms a spontaneous evening into a logistical project. Free time, now rare and fragmented, must be allocated strategically.

The Necessary Emergence of Cost-Benefit Calculation

Faced with these temporal and geographical constraints, our social relationships inevitably acquire a utilitarian dimension. This is not superficiality, but a rational adaptation to limited resources.

My experience in street workout illustrates this dynamic. For several years, I trained daily with a tight-knit group. But I observed a revealing phenomenon: newcomers announcing a temporary stay (six-month internship, short mission) were naturally sidelined. Not out of malice, but by unconscious calculation.

Why invest time and emotional energy in a relationship doomed to be interrupted? This logic, which we all apply instinctively, explains why temporary expats struggle to create lasting bonds, whether they are French in the United States or Americans in France.

Compartmentalization as an Adaptation Strategy

Our adult friendships therefore structure themselves by domains: work colleague, sports partner, neighbor. This segmentation is not a failure, but an efficient adaptation to our new constraints.

A weekly ninety-minute football training session doesn't allow developing the bonds created by five daily hours of high school. And when half the participants must leave immediately to take care of their children, opportunities for relational deepening become even rarer.

The Parallel with Romantic Relationships

This evolution also affects romantic relationships. Adolescent romances were based on pure attraction. In adulthood, other variables legitimately come into account: professional stability, life project compatibility, family situation.

This complexification is not a moral degradation, but a rational adaptation to higher stakes and more constrained resources.

Conclusion: Accepting Structural Reality

The difficulties in creating new friendships in adulthood don't result from a degradation of social values or national cultural differences. They stem from inevitable structural transformations: geographical dispersion, diversification of life trajectories, scarcity of free time.

Comparing our adult friendships to bonds created during our youth amounts to comparing two fundamentally different social environments. This nostalgia is not only unproductive, but it prevents us from adapting our relational strategies to our current reality.

Recognizing these structural constraints doesn't condemn us to social isolation. It simply allows us to adjust our expectations and methods. Adult friendships require more conscious investment, more time, and an acceptance of their often more specialized nature. But they remain possible for those who understand the rules of the game.