Dealing with Red Flags

Published on December 11, 2025

A red flag is an alarm signal, a problem, a situation we don't want to accept.

Examples would be:

A friend who cancels an activity at the last moment without notice
Your girlfriend who spends her free time flirting with other men
An employer who makes us work overtime without compensation
A teacher who doesn't answer students' questions

These are conditions we're not ready to accept because they don't align with our values.

The red flag is a danger — you shouldn't go there. At the beach, when the flag is red, you shouldn't swim. Orange is acceptable, we tolerate it, but red means no.

In everyday life, it's the same — the red flag is eliminatory. That's how I've always operated. I see a red flag, it's a no, and I don't go any further.

In my ideology, this was being strong on principles and not letting yourself be walked over. But as the years pass, I increasingly think this was a bad idea. Life is more complex than that; it's not binary. It's made of compromises — we'll never have the perfect job, the perfect girlfriend doesn't exist. Every individual has flaws, every situation is imperfect, and we must learn to live with that.

What changed my mind was a quote from Thomas Sowell: "Life does not ask what we want. It presents us with options" .

Since I read it a few years ago, it's been my favorite quote.

Finding the perfect job

I had a friend who was dissatisfied with his work. He spent several months interviewing to find a more fulfilling job.

For over two months, he passed all the tests successfully, but each stage was filled with red flags: the guys think they're Google with their crazy tests, they take 10 days to respond to an email, some tests are stupid, etc.

After more than two months and too many red flags, he no longer wanted to work for them — he didn't share the same values, which I perfectly understand.

But the reasoning is flawed. It's not "are there too many red flags in this company?" but "is this better than my current job?", "would I prefer working for them rather than my current company?", "will I have more opportunities for advancement?", "will I have a better salary?"

The question isn't whether there are too many red flags but, as Thomas Sowell said, whether this option is better than the current one.

The answer is less obvious when you reason this way. A red flag is the easy solution — something doesn't suit us, so we stop.

Interesting questions would be:

Am I settling for my current job?
Should I continue looking elsewhere?
Should I change career paths?

All these questions are valid, but "too many red flags, I quit" is not valid. It's the easy choice to avoid making a rational decision.

The soulmate

The context where we talk most about red flags is in relationships.

When looking for a partner, we know what we want and what we don't want: too short, too tall, not athletic, too heavy, violent, tattooed, smoker, disrespectful, unemployed, manipulative, etc.

We have a list of red flags we're not ready to accept in the opposite sex. But life is made of compromises — the perfect partner doesn't exist.

Take, for example, the famous site igotstandardsbro based on American statistics to find a man within certain criteria.

On dating sites, women look for the famous "666": 6-figure salary, 6 feet tall, 6 inches dick.

There are no statistics for penis size, but for everything else it's possible. If we search for men between 25 and 40 years old, unmarried, not obese, and with a $100k salary, this represents 0.60% of men .

Less than 1% of men meet women's "basic" criteria when looking for a partner. Knowing this only accounts for unmarried men. The majority of the 0.60% must still be in relationships.

We quickly realize that without applying any real criteria, women already don't have much choice. If among the remaining men we must also filter by personal criteria (brunette, blonde, athletic, muscular, intelligent, etc.), it becomes impossible to find a partner.

Therefore, compromises must be made and some red flags sacrificed.

This isn't an attack on women — it's the same for men. Based on the site realitycalc , which is the equivalent of igotstandardsbro for men, here are the statistics we get if we apply basic male filters: women aged 20 to 35, not married, no children, under 5'8", not overweight: 2.82% of the female population meets this criterion.

We do five times better than women, but it remains a ridiculous figure — less than 3 women out of 100 meet these "basic" criteria.

And like for men, we must subtract women in relationships and without children who are included in this statistic, then apply our own filters (personal preferences, athletic, respectful, faithful, etc.). We end up with a figure below 1% of women. Might as well say it's impossible to find your soulmate.

If at the slightest red flag we eliminate the candidate, we end up single for life.

Let's take some concrete examples:

She arrives 30 minutes late to the first date without apologizing → RED FLAG, eliminated
He takes 6 hours to respond to your messages → RED FLAG, eliminated
She orders the most expensive dish at the restaurant → RED FLAG, eliminated
He's still in contact with his ex → RED FLAG, eliminated
She smokes a cigarette from time to time → RED FLAG, eliminated
He plays video games → RED FLAG, eliminated

If every time someone ghosts us we raise the red flag and eliminate this potential partner, the situation is lost. Maybe she was just overwhelmed that week. Maybe he's going through a difficult period at work. Maybe she's testing your perseverance.

I'm not saying we should accept everything, but some of these "red flags" are just normal human imperfections. By systematically eliminating, we might miss someone wonderful who just had a bad day or functions differently from us.

The problem is that with this binary logic, we end up looking for the perfect person who doesn't exist, rather than the imperfect person who's compatible with our imperfections.

Accepting imperfection

The dilemma

And that's the difficulty — I don't have a miracle solution. I'm not ready to tolerate certain red flags, but at the same time, I must face them. How do we do this?

On one side, we can't accept everything — certain behaviors are unacceptable and must remain eliminatory. On the other, if we apply binary logic to everything, we end up alone with our perfect but inapplicable principles.

Learning to compromise

We must learn to accept that the perfect solution doesn't exist. It's not easy, but that's how it is. Instead of looking for the absence of flaws, we must look for flaws compatible with ours.

The question becomes: "Can I live with these imperfections?" rather than "Does this person have flaws?"

Why imperfection is good

Maybe that's the beauty of life after all. If there were a perfect solution everywhere, life would be monotonous and predictable.

Our girlfriend's flaws make her unique in our eyes. Difficulties at work make victories more flavorful. Occasional drama in a relationship allows us to better appreciate moments of peace.

If everything were smooth and perfect, we wouldn't know how to recognize happiness when it arrives. It's contrast that gives relief to existence.

Where to draw the line

This isn't a hymn to tolerating anything and everything. Some red flags remain eliminatory — violence, dishonesty, fundamental lack of respect.

But most of the time, life presents us with imperfect options, and we must choose the best among them rather than wait for perfection that will never come.

The art is distinguishing livable flaws from real problems. And that's learned through experience, not with a ready-made list of red flags.

BoumTAC